Sexism makes me angry, y’all.
And this world needs to see what an angry fucking woman looks like a lot more often.
So, in today’s podcast, I’m showing you.
See. A while back, I sent an email to my list about how I’d gotten some feedback about how my podcast has great content, but there’s also a lot of shameless self-promotion by the host.
In response to that email, some of you sent me words of “encouragement.” Suggesting that I not let my detractors get to me.
But here’s the thing.
I’m a grown-ass woman, and telling me how I should feel or what I should do? It’s as patronizing as fuck.
I don’t take these people on because I’m upset. I take them on because I have an obligation to call out misogyny when I see it.
So do you, by the way.
Find out what I mean in today’s episode of the FHTH Podcast.
EPISODE 201 TRANSCRIPTION
Welcome, everyone, to another episode of From Hostage to Hero. Sari de la Motte with you. Today, we're going to start with a review. This is for the podcast.
It says, "I have been listening to this podcast for months and cannot stress how much of a gem it is to personal injury attorneys. Sari's podcast has changed the way I think about my cases and the way I frame the liability issues and my client's narrative. I am grateful for this podcast."
Well, thank you so much for your review, and there I go, shamelessly promoting myself. That's what today's podcast is about. I'm titling it, Why I Take on My Detractors, and buckle up.
Now, a couple weeks ago, I sent an email to the list. And it started with, you may have even gotten it, this is a story about how I piss off people by promoting my business. And it talked about the couple of reviews that have said that it was shameless. I was shamelessly promoting myself and talking about how I am not doing this for a hobby, how it's on my podcast. These are all totally normal things.
And that was all fine and well. But then I got a couple of emails that were telling me that I shouldn't speak about my irritation with being called out for shamelessly promoting myself. This episode is in response to those emails that I have gotten.
I know that you mean well, most of you, when you email me and tell me that I shouldn't get into it with them. One person said, "Don't wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it."
Here's what I will say. It's sexist as shit to send me those kinds of email. Listen. If you are old, white and male, you are my client base. Bet you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you? I still might. Stay with me. Not only are you my client base, I love the shit out of you. And guess what? Not everybody likes that. Frankly, I've had people say, "You know, your work is so powerful, Sari. You should really focus it to women and people of color," which totally are two groups of mine that I absolutely adore and stand up for every chance I possibly can.
But I love trial lawyers. And trial lawyers are, by and large, older, white and male. So, since we're in a love affair here, you and I, I'm going to make a request. Stop this shit.
Look, I know that for some of you, not all again, you meant well when you emailed me to tell me not to take on my detractors and that the pig metaphors and whatever else. But newsflash, I am a grown-ass woman, and I do not need policing, no matter what your intentions are, and neither does any other woman. It's patronizing as fuck.
Would you do this to a man? Would you email David fucking Ball? I mean, if you would, you're not only sexist, you're an asshole, but I doubt that you would. Now, if you're listening, you're thinking, "Wow, touchy much?" That's also sexist.
But I don't take on my detractors because I'm upset necessarily, not that there's anything wrong with that. I actually find it quite amusing. I love to piss people off, especially the patriarchy, but it being fun is not why I do it. I do it because I'm fucking obligated to. We don't change things when we stay quiet. This is true for anyone, but especially for women.
There's this post on Facebook, I'm going to look it up right now, that I just saw the other day. You maybe even seen it. It said, "Men thinking our grandmas were happy is a product of women keeping their stories private and the culture of coddling men by not telling them things."
I, for one, am not going to coddle you. I think you know that by now, but I want to be an example for other women, to show them that, not only is it okay to speak up, but that we may change some minds in the process. If we don't, that's not up to me. But I'm certainly not going to stay quiet to keep you comfortable.
Since the dawn of man, men have sworn. They have promoted themselves. They have gotten angry. They have defended themselves against attacks, and no one has said a damn, fucking word. But a woman does any of these things and, hikes up the pants, "We need to get in there and put a stop to this before this really gets out of control."
Now, does this make you feel uncomfortable? Good, because the world is changing, and you better fucking change with it, or you're going to be left behind.
Now, I don't owe anyone an explanation, but as for why I take on my detractors, but I also want to be really, really clear, as to why I promote myself on my podcast and through my emails. So ridiculous to me, to even have to say that. I mean, it seems like whatever most people will do.
But here's an email I just got, literally minutes before I started this podcast. Of course, I asked permission to share it, even though I'm not going to tell you who sent it or the name.
They said, "Hi, Sari. Yesterday, I was a little lost in the woods. I felt like I had a lot of things flying at me that are newish for me. I've been loving going up and doing things in cases that I haven't done before or haven't done much of, and I've learned so much over the last year, as an H2H crew member and from the mentors that I have found through H2H, that it feels like I'm almost a different lawyer than I was a year ago. Good thing, too, because a year ago, I was barely eating or sleeping, and I was fucking miserable. In fact, I almost fainted, at one point. That's how alarmingly unhealthy I was, and I was about to turn 40 years old."
"A lot of the turnaround over the past year has been about me learning to keep things in perspective and not taking everything so fucking seriously, but I know that I wouldn't be in the position I am today without you and the community that you've built in H2H. I could probably write a book about how much it has helped me, but I don't have the time and you don't have the time to read it." Oh, I'd fucking read that book.
Being on the training call yesterday with several of my peers, and I mean the lawyers who do what I do, are about my age, and are struggling with some of the same demands and career issues that I am, along with lawyers who have less or more experience, reminded me of how powerful you are as a force on our lives. I had them all on gallery view in Zoom, and I was watching them each react as you talk to us about the CTFAR model and Be, Do, Have."
CTFAR is a way we talk about how to rewire your brain in our program.
"I was feeling the emotional impact of being told exactly what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it, i.e., 'Your job is not to win. It's to fight.' And I was watching all of them, as they also blinked back tears. It's incredible the ability that you have to get the message across to me and to the other lawyers in H2H. That whole training, and the thing that hit home to 90% of the people watching, was the Mindset Overview. It was what I needed to hear in my crazy week. It was obviously what all of us need to hear. I've heard the same thing over and over again and could talk anyone through the CTFAR process, but hearing you deliver it yesterday was just what I needed to hear. Anyway, that's just one of the reasons you are awesome, but thank you for that yesterday because I needed it, and it helped me, just like you and the community at H2H help me every day."
Now, I'm going to go off some more judges and see if I can get sanctioned again. These guys hate uppity women. Yeah, on point, my friend. See, here's why I didn't read that to tell you how great I am. I read that to say, the reason I promote my work on the podcast and in my marketing emails, is you're not going to get that, what she just described, in a fucking free podcast that's 20 minutes a week. I am doing you a disservice if I somehow give you the idea that you can rewire your brain or do all the cool things I'm talking about, just from listening to a podcast or reading my book.
I know that the true change that's going to happen in your life and in the world is not going to happen unless you are consistently working at it and surrounded by a group of like-minded people that are just going to support you.
And we have had people in H2H, who have totally working less and mended their family because, now, they're actually present and at home. We've had people in H2H that have stopped drinking and realized they were an alcoholic. We have people in H2H that have gotten therapy because they now realize that they have trauma.
What I'm doing is changing, if not saving, lives, and I'm not going to fucking stop promoting that, just because it might fucking offend you. That is the bare-ass point here. This changes lives. I have a mission to change the way law is practiced, but the bigger mission is to change the world. And I cannot do it by myself. I have to do it with those of you. And I cannot do that through my free things.
Not to mention, it is free. The podcast is free. I have a free course that tells you how to do voir dire in 16 minutes. I send you love notes every, single Thursday. And I do love you, whether or not you ever spend a cent with me.
Now, if I sound angry, I am, and that doesn't mean I'm letting my detractors "get to me". Women have been told not to get angry because, somehow, that communicates that we're letting the other person get to us. But I never see that advice given to men, first of all, and I'm not really that interested in being this virtuous, lady-like person. Sometimes? No. All the time, this world needs to see what an angry, fucking woman looks like. Get the fuck used to it. This is what it looks like, and this is normal.
So if I swearing, my promoting myself, my talking about my detractors, makes you uncomfortable, you got to ask yourself why? Because your discomfort has very little to do with me and everything to do with your internalized misogyny.
I was reading something else on Facebook. This is by Father Nathan Monk, and he's fantastic. If you don't follow him, I would definitely follow him. He says, "You can tell things are going well for you as an artist whenever people start shitting on your day for literally no reason. The system is designed for creative people to fail. They want bodies and cubicles, not creating, not asking questions, and not pushing the boundaries. When we do these things, society pushes back in little ways, tiny reminders that we are coloring outside of the lines, and you can't get an A that way.
When I made the decision to become a writer full-time, I knew it would be hard. As a dyslexic author, I'm stepping into a space where I'm uninvited. The pushback is harder. On many ways, this is because people were told they would never have to compete with someone like me, and so they're throwing a tantrum. The system failed them. I wasn't supposed to succeed. They were. Any typo I make is scrutinized 1000 times more than someone else's would be, that doesn't deal with or isn't open about the struggles I live with every day. I set a goal for myself this year to transition into writing more, not less. I also knew that, in order for that to work, I was going to have to make sure I was fairly compensated for that work, and that is where the kickback begins. Whenever artists put a face to their name and acknowledge their value, it angers people.
So, I just want to take a moment to say, 'I hear you. I see you. Your outrage has been duly noted. And I just wanted to take a moment to say that I hope to make you even more mad, as the year progresses because I'm going to keep on succeeding.'"
Now, do you think when he posted that to his, I don't know, 30-some 1000 followers that anybody came in and said, "Now, now, Father, Father Nathan, you shouldn't talk about your detractors because you're going to get dirty, and pigs," and whatever the hell else.
No. They all came in, and they rallied behind him. And what he said is fucking true, by the way.
Now, if you're thinking, "But, Sari, I just hate seeing you, "wrestle with the pigs" because I love you, and you're better than that."
Here's my response. I am doing God's work. I am operating in a space that I was never invited into, nor welcomed, once I arrived. But now that I'm here, I'm not just going to slink into a corner and quietly observe the big boys play. No. I'm going to pave the way for my sisters to be or do or have whatever the hell they want, and I'm going to do it by making a shit ton of noise and mess. So, I kindly request that you leave me to it.
Talk next week.
If you liked this episode topic, check out these others:
- Episode #200 – 7 Ways I Built a 7-figure Business
- Episode #199 – How to Wire Your Brain for Risk
- Episode #198 – What They Don’t Teach You in Law School But Should. (With Dave Maxfield)
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