Sari Swears Podcast: How to Level Up: Break the Habit of Being Yourself

You want the breakthrough.

You want the next level.

What if the thing keeping you stuck isn’t your trial skills, but the habits driving them?

In this week’s podcast episode, I’m breaking down the hidden thought patterns and old wiring that keep trial lawyers operating on autopilot—even when they desperately want change.

We’re talking about:

why success still feels hard
the habit of overworking
how “authenticity” can become an excuse
the money stories running your life
and the real reason transformation feels so uncomfortable

Because here’s the truth: What got you here won’t get you there.

Love,
Sari

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“What got you here is not going to get you there… and what got you here are the habits that you created a long time ago. Those habits sometimes have a voice. That’s the saboteur that we’ve talked about. But oftentimes, the problem is not that we have the habits, it’s the fact that we don’t uncover the habits. We don’t even know that they are there.”
sari de la motte

Transcription

Sari de la Motte:

Let me say that again. The biggest obstacle for my clients is not finding ways to make their day-to-day life easier, it's letting go of the mindset that it has to be hard. Why? Because that's a habit. You're listening to Sari swear on the Sari Swears Podcast.

Well, welcome everyone to another episode of Sorry Swears. Before we get started today, I want to remind you if you haven't heard already, that we have added another Voir Dire Masterclass, that's our small group, 12 people working with me and Coach K here in our brand new courtroom. The first one sold out so fast that we added another one. It's June 17th and 18th. You want to go to sariswears.com/masterclass. All right, well, today we are talking about how to get to the next level. And so, I have this Mastermind program, and I think I've told y'all that I used to work with three people a year and now this is my first year working with six. And I love it. I love this group, the Sexy Six. They're so much fun to work with.

When I'm putting that program together, it's been invite only up to this point. I think we are going to make it a little bit more available. You'll still have to apply and interview with me, but be on the lookout for that. But when I talk to my people in the interviews about why they want to join the program, I continually hear that they want to take it to the next level. When I hear that, what I hear is they want to transform. They want a breakthrough. And honestly, that's what they get in the program. I don't create that for them. I work with them to get them to the breakthrough, but today we're going to be talking about what actually allows them to do that and some things that you can do on your own to actually get you to your next level and have your transformation.

What I'm finding as I've been working now for years with trial attorneys and I've been a certified coach now for so many years, and Kevin and I talk about this all the time, is that one of the reasons, or I would say the main reason why attorneys, or anyone really, don't have the breakthrough that they're looking for is because ... For all of us, this is true. We are operating on habit. Everything the brain can do and automate as a habit, it will do because that takes less energy, and the brain is the most energy efficient organ of our body. Because it has to do so many things, keep us alive, all the rudimentary processes, not to mention all the thinking that we do, all of it, it's going to take anything that it can and automate it and create habits. And what I want you to understand is that what got you here is not going to get you there, and what got you here is the habits that you created a long time ago.

Now, those habits sometimes, because not all those habits are bad ... And not even the ones that are bad are bad. I don't like labeling things good or bad. Sometimes those habits have a voice. That's the saboteur that we've talked about. But oftentimes, the problem is not that we have the habits, it's the fact that we don't uncover the habits. We don't even know that they are there, which is why so much of my work with my masterminds in terms of ... Well, I think this is really true in the terms of the trial skills too, but in terms of the mindset piece is first uncovering the habits, deciding on whether those habits are still serving us, and then making a decision to create new habits.

I mean, when we look at why transformation or getting to the next level is so difficult, it's because we do what works. We all do. Even things that are destructive to us, on some level work or we wouldn't do them, because again, the brain is a very efficient organ. And so we all do what works. And in terms of change, as you've heard me talk about quite a bit, change is scary, particularly for the brain. So we avoid change. So if we're doing what works and change is scary and the new thing is undefined, meaning we don't know if or when it will be successful, then of course transformation is difficult because we're wired to keep ourselves safe.

Now, we've also created neural pathways, and remember, neural pathways are created through one thing, and that's repetition. So habit is repetition. The more we've done or thought about something, the more we will do or think about that thing in the future because those neural pathways are slick and they are fast. So that is how we are continuing to live the lives that we live, even if those lives aren't incredibly satisfying or meeting our needs. We're living lives of habit. I guess that's what I'm trying to say today. We are all living lives of habit.

Now, when I talk to my clients about this or when they come into a session and we uncover a pattern, they'll say things like, "Why do I do that? It's so stupid." And we judge ourselves. We make ourselves wrong. Like, "That's such a stupid thing to think," or "That's such a stupid thing to do," or "I can't believe I do that in front of a jury," or "I can't believe I still think that all of these years later." Now, if we think about that phrase, what got you here is not going to get you there, I want you to think about the first part of that phrase. What got you here? Listen, it got you here, and thank goodness. We are not going to make anything that got you here wrong, because you are here. And I want you to think about what you've had to go through to get to where you are. It's incredible.

I mean, just the fact that you are a trial attorney in itself is amazing, because that requires having to take the LSATs, having to go to law school, having to pass the bar, having to get a job or start your own firm. I mean, those are huge things. And so, the fact that you're here and that you've arrived at this place in your life, we're not going to make how you got here wrong. I mean, could it have been better, more efficient, less harmful, less hurtful? In many of your cases the answer is yes in a logical, best scenario world. Guess what? We don't live in that world. You didn't have the tools at the time to perhaps do it in that way. The fact remains is that you are here and the habits that got you here are not going to get you to the next place, but that doesn't mean that we're going to make them wrong.

See, because here's the issue, because we are operating on habit, we have to unlearn the habits that got us here. Because here's the problem, because you have these neural pathways, that's why it's difficult to create this change. And because you've been doing it so long or thinking these things so long, you believe that that's how things are, or even worse, who you are, because when you don't look underneath and recognize that it's a habit that's driving you ... Because it is, it always is. Our habits are what drive us. What is that saying that it's a thought that creates an action and actions create habits, and habits create a life. I totally have that wrong. If I find the right one, I'll put it in there. But our habits kind of define who we are.

And so when you've been operating on habit for so long, you tend to think, well, this is just how it works. This is what it means to be a lawyer. It's always these long days and you aren't going to have a very fulfilling life because it's always long hours and barely getting ahead. Or, "This is just who I am. So when Sari's asking me to do this thing, that's inauthentic," which we're going to talk about in just a minute, and you get stuck. And stuckness is the big thing that doesn't allow us to get to the next level.

Okay, okay, I get it. Y'all have been asking for more Voir Dire, so I added another masterclass in June. This is your final chance to join me for in-person training and on-the-spot consulting on the very thing I wrote the book on. It all happens June 17th and 18th in my Portland mock courtroom. Register now because there are only a few seats left. Go to sariswears.com/voirdire, V-O-I-R-D-I-R-E, to sign up. You stand on the side of the right. Now let's make sure the jury knows that too.

So let's look at some of the places where you have created a habit that you need, at least in my mind, maybe you don't think so, but in my mind you need to unlearn. So these are some examples. There could be many, but these are the ones that I see a lot with trial attorneys. The first one I thought of is hard work. I mean, take hard work. The age of most of my clients ... Which is going to be relevant in just a minute, because you're like, "Wait, we were just talking about hard work." But most of my clients are between 40 and 60. In addition, most of my clients work for themselves or have a partner. They have small firms. They're basically their own boss. Not all of my clients, but I would say the majority of my clients are their own boss.

The question that I have for you is, shouldn't it be easier by now? I mean, why do we have our own businesses to begin with? In my mind, the reason we have our own businesses is so we don't work as hard as we maybe would in another scenario. Now, if you own your own business, you laugh and laugh as I say that, because what most of us don't know is once we start running our own business, it's way harder than working for someone else. But my point is, the goal, especially if you've been at it for 20 years-plus, which most of my clients have been, is for it to be easy. Easier, at least. Not easy, easier.

I firmly believe we've made a habit of hard work, and my question to you is, what would it look like if it wasn't hard? I mean, the biggest obstacle that my clients have is not making things easy. That's easy. And again, I'm coming back and saying it easier. I don't think it's ever easy. But it's not finding ways to make their day-to-day life easier. It's letting go of the idea that it has to be hard. Let me say that again. The biggest obstacle for my clients is not finding ways to make their day-to-day life easier. It's letting go of the mindset that it has to be hard. Why? Because that's a habit. You have this habit that says, "If it's not hard, then it's not real," or "I'm not working hard enough. If I'm not working evenings and weekends, am I doing it right? Am I preparing enough?" All of the things.

I'm not saying that you need to slack off. I'm not saying that you don't prepare. I mean, I constantly have to be backing myself up on this. There are things that are difficult. Trial is a difficult time period. But for those of you who own your own businesses and have done this for a while, I believe the reason why it isn't easier yet is because you have a habit of making it hard, and you get pretty damn uncomfortable when things get easier. You really don't know what to do with yourself. And that's okay. I get it. I've been there. But you need to find, or create, I should say, a new habit of things that can be easier. We'll talk about how to do that in just a minute. Take authenticity. I'll hear lots of times when people come out to work with me in the Command the Courtrooms, for example, "Well, I always do it like this," or "That's inauthentic to me," so on and so forth.

Listen, if you always have done it like this, that's exactly the point of this fucking podcast episode. What got you here won't get you there. I'm glad that the way you've been doing it has gotten you where you are, but if you're looking for a breakthrough, if you're looking how to get to the next level, you have got to do something different. Do you want to transform or not? Being who you are right now at this moment is a habit. That does not mean that you cannot grow and change and do things a different way. It doesn't mean it. Your mindset is, your habit is, the thing you continually think is, "If I don't do things this way every time, that means it's authentic." And what I'm saying is, that you can grow. That's an old way of thinking. If you want to break through, you're going to have to do things differently. But the habit is thinking, "If I do things differently, then I am no longer being authentic."

Take money stories. We have a whole month that we work on money because y'all deal in money, this is what I say all the time, so you got to get your money shit figured out. So, money stories. We think one thing and we live another. I was just working with one of my masterminds, and we had a really great discussion of bringing the current money stories to the surface and then deciding if that's actually how they want to live. And so, the current money story was money equals security, but as we started talking about it, I'm like, "But you are financially secure. And the way that you're using your money right now in your life, it sounds to me like your actual story is money equals freedom." And he was like, "Yes, that is my money story." And so I said, "The first story served you at one time, but it's no longer true." And then we are having this conflict, because on one level, what we're living is the story that money equals freedom, but the old story is money equals security. And so they're in conflict.

I'm not saying that you don't save or any of that, but because this old story is still clattering around in there, it makes him feel guilty every time he spends money or doesn't have a certain amount of money in the bank account, even though he's been financially secure for years now. And so it's time to let go of that story. I teach in my money truth seminar, it's called Fix Your Money Shit Seminar, but there are three money truths that I teach, and one of the money truths is money reflects. So I said, "What is money reflecting to you? It reflects that you are secure." So, great, money's doing exactly what it needs to do. The true money story though, the way you want to live your money life, is that money equals freedom. The point is, to truly transform, you must think and do things differently, yet we all prefer to just be different and not change anything at all. And unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

So I have five steps for you to start your journey to taking it to the next level. The first step is, as I've been talking about, to uncover your current beliefs. The number one way to do that is to journal. When you're having weird feelings about money, for example, you can journal. You can do a CTFAR model. Remember, we've talked about that in previous episodes where C stands for circumstance and T stands for thought, F stands for feelings, A stands for action, and R stands for result. In fact, we'll give you a free CTFAR download with this episode if you want to use that. Just go to sariswears.com/ctfar and you can download that sheet and use it. But let's say something happened, you put that in the circumstance. I ended up having a bigger tax bill than I anticipated. So that would just be in the circumstance. Circumstances are always neutral. The fact is, a bigger bill than I anticipated. Great.

Then you can go to the feelings line. You can just go right down there and be like, "What am I feeling?" And it might be feeling fearful or scared or confused or worried, or whatever it may be. And then I want you to trace it back to a thought because that's what we're trying to uncover. What is the thought that leads to that feeling? That's step number one. How do you uncover these thoughts? Because if you do not uncover them, they will run the show subconsciously behind the scenes.

Now, second, once you have the thought ... My money story, for example, for years was you should save, not spend, because that's what my dad told me all the time. First, I'm going to thank that thought ... Or, not first. My second step is I'm going to thank the thought for getting me here, because what we resist persists. I'm not going to say, "Oh, that's such a stupid thing to think," or "Why did I think that for so long?" Or, "That caused me all kinds of problems." No, in fact, it did help for a long time, so I'm going to thank you and be like, "Thank you. Thank you for having that thought and for saving money when I need to save money."

Which brings us to number three, which is to choose new beliefs. We act in accordance with what we believe. So if you want to believe something different about money, you have to choose a different thought. "Well, you can't choose thoughts." Yes, you can. You can't stop thoughts from coming into your brain, but you can choose which ones you want to think. I chose to think money is meant to be enjoyed, especially after cancer. And that's what I think now. It doesn't mean I never save, it just means that I am now enjoying my money more than I ever have before. You can choose to think this can be easy, or how do I make this easy? You get to decide.

Which takes us to number four. Once you've decided it's not all plain sailing, you have to catch yourself. So if you've decided this can be easy and you find yourself thinking, "I should probably spend more time. Why am I taking Saturday off? This is a really dumb decision," you need to catch yourself and go, "That's my old wiring. I'm choosing to believe this can be easy." Or, "Spending time with my family," or resting or whatever it may be, "can be restorative and help my trial practice." Whatever it may be, your new thought.

And then number five is repeat, repeat, and repeat some more. This is how you create those new neural pathways. So once you've created that new belief and you're catching yourself every time the old one comes up, you're going to repeat it. This is what we're doing in the Mastermind program. A big piece is we're uncovering the thought. We're looking at it going, does this serve me anymore? Most of the time it's no. And they're there for a reason. They want that breakthrough. They want to go to the next level. So then we're saying, "What do we want to choose to believe instead?" And then as their coach, I'm reminding them of that and we are rooting ourselves in that belief.

We're repeating it over and over again until it becomes a new neural pathway, because again, we want to operate and we'll always operate from habit. You can't say after hearing this podcast episode, "Well, I'll just stop operating from habit." No, that's how you're wired. The point is we want new habits. We have to unlearn the old habits and create the new habits. And we always, always act from our thoughts. So that's why that CTFAR model will be very helpful, because you're like, "What is causing me to feel this way?" Because our feelings then fuel our actions. The way you change your life is to think and believe new things, but you cannot do that until you know what you're thinking and believing in the first place, which is why we spend so much time on it in this podcast. All right, I hope that was helpful. Talk next week.

Thank you for listening to the very end of this episode, A+. I'm going to ask you to subscribe to the podcast. Whether you're one of the weirdos that like to watch it on YouTube or you just listen, make sure you hit that subscribe button. It helps the podcast grow and let other people find me, y'all. But don't stop there. Be sure to leave me a five star review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. We want this podcast to reach as many ears and eyes as possible. Thanks again for listening, and we'll see you next time. Bye-bye, everybody.