Ep. 263 – Resonant Conversations with Master Coach Amy Day

You’re in the middle of voir dire, talking, they’re nodding, but those blank faces tell you everything — you know they’re not really hearing you.

In this week's episode, we’re tackling exactly how to change that. We’ve got Amy Day, executive coach who knows a thing or two about getting through tough crowds.

We’ll show you how to use coaching techniques like powerful questions, active listening, and trusting your intuition to engage with jurors like never before.

Because what jurors really want is the raw, unpolished truth, NOT a performance.

So stop shying away from those unscripted moments and start owning the room.

TUNE IN NOW!

Xo,
Sari

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“So many conversations we have are surface-level and not full of authenticity. People are constantly giving us information about themselves, but we don’t clue in, we don’t listen, and then we don’t make something of it. Resonant conversations are about getting to the deeper level of who someone is and what’s important to them. When we have those conversations, we can resolve conflict quicker, create connections, and actually bring abundance because people are looking to be seen.”

amy day

EPISODE 263 TRANSCRIPTION

Sari de la Motte: Well, welcome everyone to another episode of From Hostage to Hero. And I'm very, very excited to be here today with Amy. And if you don't know who this person is, you will in a minute because she is the reason why I am here with y'all. I remember being in a Co-Active coaching room with her in the front, and she told me, "Fire all your clients." And that was when I was working as a lawyer in corporate. And guess what? I took her advice, and now I'm here for you all—and you're welcome. But that has a big part to do with Amy. Before I go a little further into my story with Amy—Amy, welcome to the podcast. I'm so glad to finally have you on here.

Amy Day: Thank you. I'm so happy to finally be here.

Sari de la Motte: Yay. So tell us a little bit about you, and then we'll talk about me, which is my favorite topic, and then we'll talk about us and what we're discussing today.

Amy Day: Love it. So I am Amy. I am an executive coach and a facilitator of experiences with executive teams and business owners. I have three kids, and I live in the Bay Area. I started out my career in the corporate space in operations, leading big teams. You're probably not surprised to know that I was usually one of the youngest and one of the only females. I felt very lonely and like my peers didn’t have my back, and sometimes my bosses didn’t either. But I got really passionate about the people I led because they did.

And so, when I started learning a lot more about leadership, I realized I wanted to help other leaders be better leaders. And that’s where my passion took me. So I started getting involved in executive coaching and organizational development. I kind of did a career shift at that time and went on to be the head of HR and did various things in companies, and then eventually went out on my own because I wanted to have a family and work with clients that I felt were resonant with me and my values. And that led me to you.

Sari de la Motte: Yeah. I was like, "And that's where I come in." How did you get involved with Co-Active? It’s the type of coaching you’re certified in, I’m now certified in, and many of our coaches here at H2H are certified in. What brought you to CTI?

Amy Day: That’s a great question. So I had done a master’s program, and a big part of it was coaching theory. I came out and felt like I knew nothing. I knew what was in a book, and I was terrified to coach an actual human. When I started researching programs, CTI was high on my list because it was all practical application. It was like, "We’re going to have a little bit of teaching, and you're going to practice, practice, practice." When I got in, it was like I’d been looking for it my whole life. I thought, "This is how I operate in the world."

At the time, I was dating my husband, and I recruited him in. As we were newly dating, we were learning all these skills that we applied to our family. Eventually, I became so committed to CTI that I started teaching for them, and I did that for a number of years.

Sari de la Motte: Yeah, and that’s how we met. So I was coaching, unbeknownst to me, with a CTI coach. I just knew this woman, and she’s like, "Do you want to coach with me?" And I said yes. The more we coached, and the more she learned about what I did, she said, "You have to go to this training." And I thought, "Well, I could have some coaching skills under my belt." CTI has five main courses, and the first one is Fundamentals. I thought, "I’m just going to go to this weekend, I’m going to get some skills, and then I’m going to jet out of there." I was so transformed that first weekend. Who’s the gal that’s there in Santa Rosa who’s been around forever? She’s an older gal. She was my—

Amy Day: Susan.

Sari de la Motte: Susan.

Amy Day: Yeah, like the group mother of coaching.

Sari de la Motte: Yes, the group mother of coaching. I was so lucky to have her as my first teacher, and I just went all in. I thought, "I don’t know what this is, but I’m doing it all." It was very fun because, once I went through certification and you take your final exam, Susan was one of the... So it was just beginning, end...

Amy Day: Full circle.

Sari de la Motte: Beautiful bookend. And she had gone through breast cancer. I had just gotten my diagnosis, if you remember, and I was like, "Should I take the exam?" Part of me was like, "I just want to get it out of the way." Then she showed up and shared her story of having breast cancer. So it was so beautiful, but it was absolutely, utterly life-changing. Our listeners have heard me talk about this, and particularly my crew has heard me talk about how coaching is absolutely central. It’s a huge part of our business model. Once we brought mindset coaching in, my business completely took off—as you know—completely changed everything I do.

Amy Day: Right.

Sari de la Motte: So what I want to talk to you about today and share with our listeners is: Why do they need coaching skills? What are coaching skills? And primarily, what is so important about resonant conversations? So why don’t we start with you telling us, from a coaching perspective, why we even talk about resonant conversations and how that's such a pinnacle of all of this?

Amy Day: I love this because I could not be more passionate about having conversations that matter. I’m always the person at the party who’s in a corner and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Nobody believes that about me because I talk for a living, but it’s because so many conversations we’re having are surface-level and lack authenticity. People constantly give us information about themselves, but we don’t clue in, we don’t listen, and then we don’t make something of it to have an interesting discussion.

For me, resonant conversations are about getting to the deeper level of who someone is and what’s important to them. They’re giving us clues about their values, about why they show up in the world the way they do. If we can have those conversations, we can get to the meaningful stuff a lot faster.

We can resolve conflict quicker, prevent conflict, create connection, and actually bring abundance to us because people are walking around looking to be seen. So much of the world passes by them without seeing them, even though they’re saying things. Do you ever feel like you’re in a conversation with someone, and they keep repeating themselves?

Sari de la Motte: Yeah.

Amy Day: I always ask myself, "How am I not hearing them? If they’re repeating themselves to me, there’s something I’m not picking up on. What is really important to them right now that I’m not hearing?"

Sari de la Motte: I love that. I love that because, without even trying, you’ve absolutely communicated why, immediately when I went to CTI, I thought, "Lawyers need this." This is exactly what they want to do—create a connection with jurors and not have a surface-level conversation.

One of the things I found when I first got into this work and started learning about the different parts of a trial—I didn’t even know that jury selection was called voir dire—was that’s the one place nobody wants to play. There were no books written on it; it was always a footnote. I thought, "Well, this is so interesting to me because this is the one time you get to talk to the very people who will decide the fate of your case."

And everybody was like, "Nope. Yeah, I just think about that the night before, and then I ask some questions." And then I would go and observe cases in voir dire, and I’d think, "This is terrible. This is just awful." Combined with my CTI training, I’m now nationally known as the voir dire queen. This is my favorite place to play because this is where I think you get the real buy-in from the jurors—by having these conversations. Now, before we go deeper into that, why resonance? For me, that’s a musical term, and my background is in music, right?

Amy Day: I know. I want to hear from you on that first, and then I’ll share.

Sari de la Motte: Well, I think of resonance, and I think about when I went to Canyon Ranch for my 50th a couple of years ago, and Kevin had said, "I’m going to buy you an emerald ring for your 50th." That’s my birthstone. When I was there, I had a session with a woman who had these beautiful bowls—not the white ones you buy on Amazon for $300, but rose quartz or Himalayan salt. She would play them and hum and sing over your body. Apparently, she cured herself of stage-four cancer. Whether or not that’s true, I was all in, obviously, because I had just gone through my cancer journey.

So when I think of resonance, I think of the way those bowls sound. It’s not even the actual notes; it’s the tone, the feeling of tingles. It’s the difference between that and dissonance, where things aren’t working together. It’s like everything is working and blending, and we’re just in a space. Yeah. So I had Kevin buy me sound bowls instead of a ring to finish that story, but that’s how I think of resonance.

Amy Day: Yes, I love that. And I think that’s such a visual image for your listeners. To me, I would say it’s very much the same. When you talk about the sound bowls, whenever I’ve done sound bowl healing, there’s such a depth to it. You feel the resonance through your entire body. There’s no mistaking it—we’ve hit a note that’s gone really deep into something that matters. That’s what I think a resonant conversation is. It doesn’t mean we necessarily agree, but we’re feeling something and having an exchange of information that lets us see each other in a different way. So many of our conversations are information gathering.

Sari de la Motte: Yes, information gathering.

Amy Day: Right. You have to let go of your own agenda in order to be present for a resonant conversation. Because if you went to Hawaii and I just wanted to go, "Well, where’d you stay? Where’d you eat? Because I’m going there, and I want to collect information," that’s not a resonant conversation for you.

Sari de la Motte: No.

Amy Day: You’re not feeling like, "I really care about your vacation."

Sari de la Motte: Something you just said, which I’ve never even thought about before, is that a resonant conversation is both people being resonant together.

Amy Day: Yes.

Sari de la Motte: It’s not like one person is resonating and the other person’s just observing it. That’s what I love about Co-Active coaching. You both get resonant—the coach and the client are like, "Ooh, this is cool, this cool thing we just went on." I think that’s one of the things attorneys are resistant to because they’re like, "Oh, I have to get resonant too? I can’t just be a stuffy attorney standing in front of a jury. I have to be willing to go into the resonance with this person."

Amy Day: You have to be willing to risk being moved by something, right?

Sari de la Motte: Yes.

Amy Day: There’s vulnerability in that. It doesn’t mean it’s all about you, but how do you let it move you so that you can use your intuition to keep the conversation going and see what’s available with that jury?

Sari de la Motte: I think that’s the big fear right there. They always say, "Well, the reason I don’t love voir dire is because it’s unscripted. We can write out our opening statements, we can know what we’re going to say, but with voir dire, I have no idea what the other person’s going to say. That’s why I hate it—it’s so scary." For me, that’s what’s so fun about it—you don’t know what they’re going to say.

Amy Day: Of course. I mean—

Sari de la Motte: You and I live in that space of creating from whatever is given, and we’ve probably had experiences throughout our lives that allowed us to develop that skill. That’s a very common fear for these kinds of conversations because people want to grab their notebook and go, "Wait, I do one, I do two, they say three, four, and then we’re done." But we don’t know what they’re going to say. How do we work through our blocks and our fears to operate on our feet, to build off of what they share when they do share it?

Sari de la Motte:
That's such a good point too because I think a lot of attorneys listening now—or I’ve heard this before because there are a bunch of complainers (you know I love you)—say, "A coaching conversation is different than me standing in front of 12, 30, 60 people and having to have this resonant conversation."

What I would say to that is exactly what you just brought up—when you first become a coach, you’re like, "Oh my God, I don’t know what I’m going to ask, and what are they going to say? And how am I going to follow up?" It’s very similar.

It may not be in front of an audience, but that fear is definitely there. When we talk about the importance of resonant conversations, I think one of the things that drew me to CTI, especially after that first weekend, was that so many coaching programs are about problem-solving. Someone comes in, and they say, "I have this problem." Then as the coach, I’m supposed to help them fix it, and then we’re going to fix it. But what ends up happening is things don’t get fixed because there is no resonance. Oftentimes, you’re fixing the wrong problem because they think they know what the problem is. But because we haven’t had a resonant conversation, we haven’t actually gotten to the thing we need to get to. Talk to me about the importance of resonance in a coaching conversation—of really getting to the thing that’s important.

Amy Day:
Well, I was listening to another one of your podcasts, and you were talking about a juror who had been in a car accident, and the lawyer was trying to get all this information. "Well, when did that happen, and what occurred?" That’s an example of a transactional conversation, like, "Give me all the details and facts." As a juror, I feel zero connection to you. I’ve shared really nothing about myself that you couldn’t have read on a piece of paper. But if you get to the bigger agenda, which is, "How did this change my life?" Well, I no longer drive on the freeway, or I’m terrified to have my kids drive, or I can’t do this kind of exercise anymore. And why is that important to you? Why do I really value being active and feeling good in my body? Now we’re in a conversation about what I value and what I may have lost because of something that happened to me.

Without realizing it, there’s a connection that’s taken place because I’ve been seen by another in something that’s important to me and my experience. Reporting the facts—"This happened in June of 2023, I went to the hospital, I got this settlement"—what does that really tell you about me or how I view that experience?

Sari de la Motte:
Nothing at all. When I’m teaching here in our studio, and I’m teaching resonant conversations, I put us in a circle—there’s only four or five of us at a time—and I say, "I’m going to tell you something about myself, and then I want you all to ask me a question." Normally, I’ll say, "I ran a marathon before the age of 30." Then to the left of me, the attorney asks, "What was your time?" I say, "Five hours and 59 minutes." The next person asks, "How did you train?" It just happens this way every time.

Sari de la Motte:
Nothing at all. When I’m teaching here in our studio, and I’m teaching resonant conversations, I put us in a circle—there’s only four or five of us at a time—and I say, "I’m going to tell you something about myself, and then I want you all to ask me a question." Normally, I’ll say, "I ran a marathon before the age of 30." Then to the left of me, the attorney asks, "What was your time?" I say, "Five hours and 59 minutes." The next person asks, "How did you train?" It just happens this way every time.

Amy Day:
Yeah.

Sari de la Motte:
And I’ll say, "Well, I joined Portland Running Company, and they met every Saturday, and then they gave us a schedule." The next person asks, "Did you run the whole thing, or did you have to walk?" I say, "I definitely had to walk. I was walking and running." Then it’s back to me, and I’m like, "Was that resonant?" They’re like, "I don’t know." And I’m like, "Did you learn anything about me, or did you just learn facts? You learned my training, my time, whether I walked or ran, but we learned nothing else."

Amy Day:
Well, and how interesting was that for you to share?

Sari de la Motte:
Right, exactly. It wasn’t interesting at all. And so then I describe that resonant conversations stick with more what or how questions. I always talk about moving from headspace to heartspace. I can answer questions from here (points to head) all day long, but I know I’ve hit resonance when I ask a question, and someone pauses, makes a noise—they go, "Hmm, that’s a good question." They stop, right?

Amy Day:
Yeah.

Sari de la Motte:
Because it’s not easy. "When were you born?" "1972." I can tell you that, no problem. So now the conversation changes. So let’s try it again. The person to my left says, "What made you decide to want to run a marathon?"

Amy Day:
Yes.

Sari de la Motte:
And then we have that conversation. The next person asks, "What did it feel like when you crossed the finish line?" And now we’re having a more resonant conversation, which, to your point, is much more interesting for me, but it’s also gathering more meaningful information. On top of that, we’re making a connection. With attorneys, they’re always trying to get the jury to allow two types of damages, sometimes three, but mainly two—economic and non-economic. The economic ones are the easy ones. Here’s the job loss, here are the hospital bills. Whenever we ask a jury about those, they give us those all day long. "Yeah, the person was in the hospital, they should be paid back for that. The person lost work, they should be paid back for that."

The hard ones are the non-economic damages. What’s it like when you can’t do the exercise you love anymore? What’s it like when you—

Amy Day:
—your quality of life.

Sari de la Motte:
—when you can’t pick up your child anymore? And that’s exactly where resonant conversations lie. Those are also our biggest damages, and they absolutely require a resonant conversation. We’re not talking about facts and figures—things you can add up with a calculator.

Amy Day:
Yeah. And those are the things—you said it well—when you know the answer, it’s probably not a resonant conversation because, A, it’s your own agenda, and you’re just trying to get them to confirm it, or B, you’re just gathering facts. Typically, when you’re asking a question that will go deeper into a resonant conversation, you don’t always know the answer. Like when you ask, "Well, how did that impact your life?" You don’t know. You don’t know how it impacted that juror’s life. And you’ve got to really listen to hear what they’re sharing on a deeper level.

Sari de la Motte:
Absolutely. And oftentimes, they don’t know either, so they stay in their information-gathering brain. Part of that is because that’s how they’re taught. You don’t ask open-ended questions, you never ask like in cross-exams.

Amy Day:
That seems very dangerous, right?

Sari de la Motte:
Well, that’s the thing—it’s dangerous in cross-examination, right? I’ve got the defense’s expert up there, and I’m going to keep them in this tight hold. But when you come over to voir dire, and you use the same type of approach, it doesn’t work at all. You get no information. And then they’ve hired me for a ton of money, and they say, "What do you think?" And I’m like, "I don’t know. I’ve learned nothing from the juror besides what I already knew."

Amy Day:
"I need more information. I need to know these people!"

Sari de la Motte:
Exactly. And that’s where these conversations can be so helpful. Spoiler alert, you will use this in every area of your life. That’s what drew us to CTI. We went for work-related reasons, but when we got there, we realized, "Whoa, this is going to change who I am as a person. This impacts how I show up as a business owner, how I show up as a friend, a wife, a daughter, a mother. These are the conversations that matter." You and I were talking before we started recording—about your kids crying about something, and you’re like, "Stop, stop, stop." Then you realize, it’s not even that thing they’re crying about. It’s that they want connection with you, or a friend hurt them at school, or something else happened. But we’re not cluing into that because we’re just trying to gather facts and get it out of the way.

You have to stop, slow down, and be present to have these kinds of conversations. It does require being in your body and being here, which is hard for all of us. We love to live in the head, and it’s almost like the body is just transporting the head around. We’re like, "What? A body? We have a heart?" What’s possible below the neck for us in terms of intuitive feelings about this person? What are we called to ask next? That can sound scary because usually, we just want to use our intellect because that feels safest.

Sari de la Motte:
Yes. I want to circle back to why they’re afraid of this. You didn’t say this outright, but it made me think of it. When we’re talking about resonance, we’re not just talking about happy feelings. It’s not just about, "Let’s feel happy." One of the things they’re afraid of—these trial attorneys, whom I love dearly—is they’re afraid that they’ll ask an open-ended question, and a "bad" juror is going to talk, or they’re going to say something contrary to the case. They’re very afraid of that. I always say, "One, now we know where they are, so that’s not a bad thing. We know where the 'bad' juror is."

Amy Day:
That’s information, right?

Sari de la Motte:
Right. And two, we don’t need to be afraid of what comes out because, especially if you know how to have these conversations, you can facilitate and move the conversation, not force people to say what you want. We can use anything to go where we want it to go. If we have a group that’s resonating around a theme and a person says, "Well, that’s stupid," the group takes care of it. All these other things come into play. But what would you say about this idea that resonance means "happy-happy all the time"?

Amy Day:
I’m glad you’re bringing this up because I like using the example—say I have a value around family, and someone in my family is really sick. So I take a sabbatical from work, and I’m caring for this sick family member. If you ask me about this conversation, if we’re having a resonant conversation about it, I’m probably not going to be happy. I might be sad, I might even cry telling you about it, but I’m going to feel connected to my purpose, and there’s going to be something resonant in the conversation. If you can be with me like, "What does it mean to take care of this family member for you right now at this stage of your life? What’s happening in your relationship as you spend so much time together?" Things like that. I might appear sad, but I’m fulfilled and living in alignment with my values.

I think we have this mindset of putting emotions in "negative" buckets—if I feel sad, if I feel angry, it’s somehow bad. But it’s not—it’s just another emotion. Emotions are giving you information about how that experience impacted them. That’s it. You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to solve it, you don’t have to make it better. You just need to find out the information.

Sari de la Motte:
That’s right. And I remember one of the best things I learned at CTI is the skill of blurting—when your intuition hits, just blurt it out. Don’t wait. Of course, you design with your client beforehand, letting them know that you might interrupt because your intuition is speaking. And the best thing I learned about that was when someone asked, "Well, what if you're wrong? What if you blurt out something, and the person says, 'No, that’s not it at all'?" I remember—maybe it was in your class—someone said, "That’s great because what normally happens is they’ll say, 'No, it’s not that, it’s this.'" And boom—we got there anyway. We got there anyway.

And I remember feeling so freed in that moment. In fact, I even designed around that, saying, "I’m going to blurt, and sometimes I’ll be wrong, and that’s fine because it’ll get us to where we need to go—to the ultimate truth of the matter." And that’s how I view this whole "What if someone says something negative?" thing. It’s okay. As long as you’re present, you’ll have the presence of mind to guide the conversation. But I think attorneys get really worried. They think, "Someone’s going to say something negative, and I need to know if it’s a bad answer or a good answer." They’re not present. They’re in their heads.
So talk to me about how presence plays such a huge role in resonant conversations.

Amy Day:
Yes! And this ties perfectly into what you’re saying about blurting. I think many of us, especially if we grew up in the U.S. education system, have been trained to believe there is one right answer. We carry that belief into adulthood: "I need to know the answer, and that’s how I succeed in life." We’re rewarded for it. Then we go to law school or get an MBA, and it’s even more of that. Then suddenly, we’re saying, "Guess what? There is no right answer. We’re not going to give you a key. You have to be present because this is improv. We’re making it up as we go."

That’s terrifying to a lot of people. And when we feel fear, what do we do? We constrict. Our breathing gets shallow, we close ourselves off, and we go to our heads. We think, "Oh no, what am I going to do?" So staying present in these conversations becomes vital, and as simple as it sounds, breathing is crucial. How do I breathe through the anxiety of feeling like I need to figure everything out?

Sari de la Motte:
I talk about this all the time!

Amy Day:
Yes! And through that breath, we can navigate those deep-rooted limiting beliefs. These beliefs are often tied to the notion that "whatever got me here won’t get me there." A lot of what we uncover in resonant conversations is our old conditioning—our 'this is what it means to get an A' mentality. But in these conversations, we’re rewriting the key. That’s why practice is so important—so you can see what comes up for you when you’re trying to be present.

Sari de la Motte:
Exactly! And that leads me to my next question—why can’t they just listen to a lecture on resonant conversations and get it?

Amy Day:
It’s the same as what we were saying about CTI. I did a long master’s program, wrote a master’s thesis, and yet I wasn’t fit to coach anyone after that because it was all theory in my head. Without the practice of actually sitting with another person, it was meaningless. What I got from those weekends was the opportunity to practice, see my edges, find out where I was brilliant, and where I was failing all over the place. I realized I was still trying to solve their problems or copy what someone else was doing.

Sari de la Motte:
Yes, that reminds me of the sandbox exercise, where you have to pick up the coaching right in the middle of a session. The person in the front of the room points to you, and you have to take over, but you’re in your head thinking, 'I had a great question lined up,' and by the time you speak, the conversation has already moved on!

Amy Day:
Exactly! And I see that happen in voir dire all the time. You’re in resonance, having a great conversation, and then suddenly someone throws out a random question because they’re too stuck in their heads. They’re not being with the person and the flow of the conversation.

Sari de la Motte:
Before we wrap up today, let’s clarify something for our listeners. When we talk about coaching skills for trial lawyers, are they learning to become a coach?

Amy Day:
No, not at all. What we’re teaching are skills that enhance who you already are, whether you’re a lawyer, an executive, or anyone else. These skills—like asking powerful questions, listening at different levels, using intuition, and addressing limiting beliefs—are tools you can use to be more effective in your work and in your relationships. You don’t need to become a coach, but you can learn to coach-like and integrate those skills into how you engage with others.

Sari de la Motte:
I love that! It’s really about bringing in skills that help attorneys ask powerful questions, listen better, and chase resonance. Dancing in the moment, listening to intuition—things coaches do all the time—are essential skills for trial attorneys. It’s all about the practice, as you know I’m big on. That’s why we created H2H Playground, so you can keep practicing those skills in a safe space, whether it’s for voir dire or working with clients.

Today, I was coaching one of my clients, and she spent one minute talking about her client during her opening. I said, "You only talked about your client for one minute." That’s a sign she doesn’t know how to ask her client the right questions to get to the story. You have to get to their story to be able to tell their story.

Amy, can you talk a little bit about the difference between coaching and therapy?

Amy Day:
Sure. In coaching, it’s a lot about where am I now and where do I want to go? You’re deepening your learning about yourself to forward the action in your life. Therapy, on the other hand, often focuses on going back into the past to make sense of things that have happened, especially traumas, and healing those wounds. That’s not what we do in coaching. Now, there are people who do both—who work through their past in therapy while moving forward with a coach. But that’s the key distinction.

Sari de la Motte:
Thank you so much for being here today and sharing all this, Amy.

Amy Day:
It’s been my pleasure. I’m so happy to be here.

Sari de la Motte:
Alright, everyone, we’ll talk soon. Thanks for listening!
And hey, have you ever wished you knew what the jury was thinking? Well, grab a pen and paper because I’m about to give you instant access to a free training I created for plaintiff trial attorneys. It’s called Three Powerful Strategies to Help You Read a Juror's Mind, and it will help you understand what the jury is thinking so you can feel confident and trust yourself in the courtroom. Ready? Head to sariswears.com/jury and enjoy!